


Especially You

by ummmmm (sumhowe_sailing)



Category: EOS 10 (Podcast)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, mildly nsfw for a bit?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-16
Updated: 2018-01-16
Packaged: 2019-03-05 19:48:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13394991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sumhowe_sailing/pseuds/ummmmm
Summary: Because who doesn't want another angsty fic about one of these nerds having a breakdown and the other one comforting them??





	Especially You

He knew it was stupid. Stupid and dangerous – and not just for him. The more often he disappeared into a maintenance shaft, the more likely that someone would notice. But it had been four days since he’d seen Akmazian and lately four days was an eternity. How was he supposed to lie there, knowing that his boyfriend was in the same station, just a short trip away, and still be able to fall asleep alone? They had agreed that it was best if they kept these visits to a discreet minimum. Most nights he could get along by remembering the risks, remembering the pained sincerity in Akmazian’s eyes when he’d asked him to wait a few more days between his visits. Tonight wasn’t most nights. Tonight the bed was so big, so empty, he felt like he was drowning in it. It was stupid, sure, but tonight he didn’t care.

He had barely stepped out of the corridor into the pitch-black cargo bay when a hand wrapped around his throat and slammed him against the wall. The world narrowed down to two things: the iron grip already cutting off the blood flow to his brain, and the point of the dagger he could feel just beneath his ribs. Then he realized that whoever was holding him was close enough that he could smell the sour whiskey on their breath, and feel it’s warmth against his cheek as they growled “You’ve got about three words to convince me I shouldn’t gut you here and now.”

It wasn’t the kind of sentence that should have made such relief flood through him, but he would know that voice anywhere.

“Akmazian,” he choked out, “it’s me.”

He heard the clatter as the dagger dropped to the floor, felt the oxygen rush to his brain, and half a moment later found himself being crushed in Akmazian’s arms.

“Ryan I’m so sor—Doc, is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

“I—uh, I think maybe you should pin me against a wall more often.”

“Oh. Huh. You never told me…”

“I didn’t know.”

“And, uh, the knife?”

“Yes. Definitely the knife. I trust you.”

“Okay,” Akmazian said softly as he loosened his grip on Ryan a little. “Not tonight though.”

“Are you alright?”

“I’ve had a few… don’t trust myself right now.”

“That’s not what I meant. Are you okay?”

“I—I don’t wanna talk about it yet.”

“Okay. Akmazian?”

“Darlin’?”

“I love you. You know that, right?”

Akmazian made a half-hearted attempt at a chuckle, but even in the dark Ryan could see his brave-face falling apart.

“Come on, let’s go lie down.”

They made their way to the bed in silence. In silence Ryan gently pushed Akmazian down onto the bed before lying down behind him and wrapping himself around him. In silence he pressed a kiss between his lover’s shoulder blades. At first, Akmazian melted into his arms—but before long he was as tense as Ryan had found him.

“Ak, I love you. More than anything.”

A slight shift, infinitesimally closer, was the only response he got. He switched tactics, reaching for Akmazian’s hand, holding it just tightly enough, and pressing more kisses along Akmazian’s shoulders. Gradually, Akmazian relaxed into him again. It didn’t last long. Without warning, Akmazian sat up and shifted to the edge of the bed.

“Are you—”

“Wait. Just wait.”

“I will. But Akmazian, whatever it is, whenever you’re ready, you can tell me. We’ll be okay.”

“Ryan, I—” his voice cracked, and in an instant, Ryan was on his knees behind him, arms around him again.

“Ryan do you know how many men I’ve killed?”

It was the last thing he’d expected to hear. Was it because he’d said he trusted him—or had this been on his mind before that?

“Not nearly as many as people say.”

“Do you know?”

“No. I don’t.”

“Neither do I. Too many, I know that.”

He had nothing to say. There was nothing he _could_ say. So he waited.

“I couldn’t sleep. Every time I closed my eyes, I kept seein’ their faces. So I had a drink, thought it would help, and then—then…” A deep, shuddering sigh. “And then I kept seeing their bodies. All broken. Blown to bits, or laser blasts through their skulls, or…or… I hate it, Ryan. Hate who I am. What I’ve done. Hate that you know I’ve done it. If you didn’t know…”  
“Akmazian?”

“If you didn’t know I was a murderer, I could understand why you’re here.”

“I’m here because I missed you.”

“Not now. Just…ever. Why you ever wasted any of your time on me. I don’t get it, Ryan. I just don’t understand.”

“Ask me again when you’re sober and I’ll try to explain.”

“Need time to come up with a story?”

“I need to be certain you’ll remember. I’ll tell you now, too, if you want, but I think we should have this conversation again in the morning.”

There was a long pause. He really didn’t know what to say. How do you tell someone that you can forgive the unforgivable things they’ve done? When someone idealizes you, how do you tell them you’re only human? As deeply, horribly flawed and with just as many regrets as anyone. That nothing he’d done mattered because he meant more to Ryan than any number of strangers?

“Do you know when I fell in love with you? It was when you were explaining how you were framed. _Not_ because you convinced me you were innocent—it was the shadow puppets. I still thought you were a terrorist, and I already loved you.” It may have been true. It may not have been. He had spent so much time pointedly ignoring his feelings that he honestly had no idea. It didn’t matter. This was what Akmazian needed to hear, so from now on, this was just the fact. “After that, Ak, when you showed me the evidence…do you know how relieved I was to hear you’d only killed a few people. Because you had to. Self-defense, circumstance…you had no choice. And I will never, never stop being grateful that _you’re_ still here, even if it means they’re gone.”

He could feel Akmazian’s shoulders shaking—he was pretty sure he was crying. He pressed another kiss to the back of Akmazian’s neck and wished desperately there was something more he could do.

“I really do love you.”

“I—I know. I’m sorry—”

“Don’t be.”

 

The conversation went on like that for a while, circling back again and again to Ryan simply affirming that he loved him, without reservation, and that he would be there for him, no matter what. Eventually he managed to get Akmazian lying down again, in an almost comfortable quiet. Just as his long day and longer night were catching up with him and sleep was about to claim him, he heard Akmazian mumble something.

“What was that, love?”

“Shadow puppets,” Akmazian muttered.

“What can I say? I like bunnies. And you. Especially you.”

**Author's Note:**

> so umm still debating whether or not I'm gonna write a follow up about that 'maybe you should pin me against a wall more often' bit... if you have opinions, lemme know.   
> also, feel free to chat with me about these nerds on tumblr at youliveherenow


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